I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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