At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
