Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
