Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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