Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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