2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got inside last night via doggy door
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
