got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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