Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
