according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
