It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
