he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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