you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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