so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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