I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
