My entire life is one complicated drinking game
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
