Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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