please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
