Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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