My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just invented taco cereal.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
