I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
