Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I smell like Dick and happiness
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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