if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
