I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
