Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
