hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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