i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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