So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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