Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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