If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
