he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
