I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
