dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
