Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
