her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize