Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
