life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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