Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
