i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
