we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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