did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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