i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
