Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
