Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
