I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
