dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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