I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As shirtless as possible
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
