Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
