I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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