Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
