im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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