oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
