Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize