We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
