A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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