dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
