i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
