Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize