i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
