I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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