Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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