just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize