worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just found a bag of teeth...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
