Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
