i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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