You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
