All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize